Even the sun has refused to come up in these early hours of the morning. Fierce war cries echo into the air, while tired and angry scowls mark the faces of middle-aged men. Women glare into the eyes of their soon to be enemies to inspire fear and intimidation. A frantic employee moves to unlock to the door and the carnage breaks out as the unruly mob rushes the gates. The battle begins!
Unfortunately, that wasn’t much of an exaggeration. Every year, Black Friday proves to be the most chaotic shopping day of the year, often resembling a ruthless battle between barbarian tribes more than a shopping trip. The wise hunker down in their home until the madness has ended, but many poor fools actually attempt to brave the hordes of frenzied bargain hunters to be the first to lay their hands on this year’s version of Tickle Me Elmo, or to save 50 bucks on that knock-off brand flatscreen TV. The whole ordeal may have you wishing that a radioactive spider would give you some superpowers of your own, but if nothing else, you can take a note from the superheroes on how to get through this holiday shopping nightmare.
Captain America – The Defensive Shopper
Swarms of rival shoppers will no doubt surround you in your premiere hours of shopping. Taking to the offense is just a shortcut to jail—just try explaining to the cops that you needed to uppercut that old lady in the electronics department to ensure that you get the last Blu-ray player in stock for $0.99. No, you have to play it safe by shopping defensively and no superhero knows about defense like Captain America. The first thing you need in order to shop like Captain America is a trusty shield that you can depend on. Cap’s shield is made of a compound vibranium alloy that actually absorbs and disperses massive amounts of kinetic energy without putting the user in any danger, but since vibranium isn’t real, you may have to settle for a plastic one. You can block and deflect every shove and violent flailing that comes your way during the heat of sales!
(Captain America Costume)
Batman – The Stealth Shopper
Perhaps fending off the masses with a shield isn’t your style? The next hero to learn from uses stealth and the guile of darkness! Batman can hold his own in a fist fight, but why fight when you can be sneaky instead. To shop like Batman, you need a black full body suit that will camouflage you in the darkness. You can easily avoid crowds and sneak from aisle to aisle, being unnoticed by your rival shoppers. A grappling hook will let you snag imperative items on your shopping list from afar, while a few well aimed batarangs can be used to distract unsuspecting rival shoppers. Bringing Robin along as a decoy is another option, but only if you can withstand him shouting, “Holy tuna cakes, Batman!” every few minutes.
(Grand Heritage Batman Costume)
Catwoman – The Cat Burglar Shopper
Sometimes conventional methods of shopping break down in the insanity of sales. When that happens, it’s time to take a more unorthodox superhero approach. Catwoman likes to play by her own rules and often touches feet down on both sides of the law to get what she wants. To shop like Catwoman, covertly make items disappear from your rival shopper’s cart and mysterious have them end up in your shopping cart. Just be sure to have an escape plan handy, because if you get caught using this kind of method to shop, you might end up in a high speed chase through the store in an attempt to evade the store security.
(Grand Heritage Catwoman Costume)
The Flash – The Speed Shopper
Another way to get the jumpstart on your rival shoppers is to just be faster than all of them. For this method, we look to The Flash. The Flash can just dash in to snag all the sale items he wants before anyone else even gets a chance to get to them. A little known secret about running really fast is to wear tons of lightning bolts. Did you think that The Flash just wears those bad boys for style? You need a minimum of three to get to enhanced speed—Barry Allen’s suit has six, which is the recommended amount of lightning bolts. (Any more than six can result in amnesia, digestive problems and chronic sleepwalking).
Wonder Woman – The Power Shopper
From rapid healing, super strength, super speed, flight, enhanced reflexes to the ability to sense the emotion of others, Wonder Woman is a walking encyclopedia of powers. To shop like Wonder Woman you must draw upon all facets of your physical, mental and emotional strength to become the ultimate power shopper. Use your strength to carry the heaviest of sale items with your bare hands. Use your enhanced reflexes to dodge and parry unwanted competition. Make sure to keep a lasso handy to ensnare anyone who gets too close to a bargain item. While you got them tied up, you can ask for any extra tips on where to find deals—when Wonder Woman ties a person up, lying isn’t an option any more.
(Modern Wonder Woman Costume)
Wolverine – The Frenzied Shopper
This method of shopping is the old cliché, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” Since everyone else will be in a frenzy, why not just do it better than anyone else? Enter Wolverine. Wolverine has been making a living by acting like a complete maniac—it’s not called the berserker rage for nothing. The trick to this shopping strategy is let your animalistic instincts take over. Shop for gifts like a honey badger beats the tar out of cobras and you’ll be fine. A set of claws never hurt either.
(Wolverine Costume T-Shirt)