Are you thinking about scooping up some Star Wars real estate in Hoth, or maybe the Forest Moon of Endor? If you want to fit in with the natives, you’re going to need to take a few tips from the all the beings that live there day in and day out. This guide will help you eat like a wampa, fight like an ewok and look the part from head to toe!
The Life of a Wampa
Living the life of a wampa can be rough— the harsh climates of Hoth, Rebel Alliance forces building bases near your home and of course, nothing to eat but tauntaun meat all day. Here are some helpful tips to ease the stress of living like a wampa.
Get yourself a very thick coat of white fur. Hoth is freaking cold—we’re talking an average temperature of -61°C. Just ask polar bears, yetis and Santa Claus. If you’re going to withstand the frigid temperatures of the icy tundra, then you’d better be packing some blubber or a thick coat fur! Why white? Any good wampa knows that a white coat camouflages you from your prey while hunting tauntauns.
Your first priority should be to keep your head warm, with this!
If you’re incapable of growing your own fur coat, you can snag one from any abominable snowman.
Stay away from guys with laser swords. Perhaps this one is common sense, but guys with lightsabers tend to start cutting off appendages if you try to freeze them in your cave. The best thing to do is to just avoid these types of weirdoes all together.
For all you wampas that want to get extra attention and be famous like the one-armed wampa from The Empire Strikes Back, all you need to do is add some blood makeup to your shoulder and team up with this guy.
Tauntauns and You
Learn to cook. Face it. As a wampa, tauntauns make up your only option for dinner, but this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Raw meat might be the norm for wampas, but learning a few cooking skills go a long way in transforming tauntaun meat into something new and exciting! Here’s a great recipe for Crispy Tauntaun to start you off on your culinary adventure.
Select only the finest tauntauns when searching for dinner. Hunter’s instinct and natural selection might suggest that you should go after the weakest tauntaun, but you should avoid this practice. A healthy tauntaun provides nearly double the nutrients of a sickly tauntaun (besides, if you thought the insides of a tauntaun smelled bad normally, try smelling the innards of a sick one).
A healthy tauntaun should be bloated full of blubber and meat. Sometimes strange humanoid creatures ride on their backs. You’ve hit the jackpot when you find one of those! The humanoid creatures make a fine dessert, but just make sure to check to see if they have one of those laser swords before you take it down.
For those that actually want to be wampa food, just strap yourself into one of these. (Beware, there will almost always be a wampa stalking you).
A stark contrast to living like a wampa, being an ewok takes a completely different set of skills. Living in the lush forests on Endor’s moon may not be cold, but you may need some tips to get through an average day of being an ewok.
Ewoks under Fire
Cuteness will protect you from blaster fire. Unfortunately, living on the Forest Moon of Endor means that the Empire may decide to use your home as their own personal real estate for shield generators like they did in Return of the Jedi, but do not fret! Stormtroopers are afflicted with one fatal flaw: the subliminal love of cute fuzzy creatures. Just make sure you look like an adorable teddy bear and their blaster fire will miraculously miss you almost every time (that’s really the only logical explanation of how the Empire lost in Return of the Jedi)!
Here’s how to be as adorable as an ewok:
Learn to make traps and primitive weapons. Since the Stormtroopers have big nasty blaster rifles, you’re going to need some way to fight back. Make extremely obvious traps made of boulders and logs, because boulders and logs always win out against the finest technology the galaxy has to offer. If that doesn’t work, it never hurts to have a wookiee pal pilfer an enemy AT-ST walker and wreak havoc upon your enemies. Also, be sure to have a spear and a bow on hand!
These weapons will repel any Stormtrooper (or at least tickle him through his heavy Imperial armor)!
(bow and arrow set)
Ryan Heuer suggests following these steps if you plan to survive in a galaxy far far away...